Lately I have been feeling so weird. I think I am a little depressed. It is impossible for me not to be overcome with joy on a daily basis when I look at my daughter. I enjoy life…how can I not? I get to stay at home with her and play all day. It is easy to get my housework and cooking done most of the time because she is so good and independent. Even the one day per week that I work is so much fun that I forget it’s a job.
But lately I find myself feeling guilty for switching things around. While I walk through the neighborhood with Leah asleep in her stroller, I look at the houses. I wish that we had our own house for my kids to grow up in. One with a big lawn for them to run around on and some trees so that we could build a tree house and hang a swing. I wish I could have had Leah’s nursery set up before she was born. I wish that I could have painted it pink, or yellow.
I also wish that Dave and I had gotten married first. How will I explain this to Leah when she is older? I never want her to think that she was a mistake. She wasn’t planned, but I have never regretted her for a second. My only regrets are the things that I can’t provide for her because of where I am at in life. I wish I was at a better place for her.
Maybe someday we will get married. Maybe someday we can afford a house and paint Leah’s room whatever color she wants. Or, heck, I’ll paint her a whole mural. For now, I will just have to make up for it with love. My daughter certainly gets that by the truckload!