An Impractical Joke

If you don’t watch the show ‘Impractical Jokers’, I highly recommend it to anyone with a silly sense of humor. In the show, four friends compete to embarrass each other by coming up with crazy tasks for the other to do. Each episode has a loser who then is faced with some sort of ultimate embarrassment. The tasks range from simple things such as acting like they know a random person and getting the person to agree that they’ve met (usually at some crazy place the others come up with), to getting strangers to dance with them in a mall, to putting on a fake sensitivity training seminar in which they must present a PowerPoint created by the other guys that they have never seen before.

My  husband’s favorite episode features the guys at a buffet restaurant. Their task is to take food from other patron’s plates. Whoever has the most food wins the task. Each of the guys had a different strategy. One guy would point behind the person and when they turned would grab something quickly. Another guy was more direct and just went up to strangers and said, “This looks delicious!” while taking the food off of their plate. We were dying laughing and I think I said something along the lines of, “imagine doing this at a dinner party?” It was a rhetorical question, or so I thought.

For Christmas Eve this year, we went to my Aunt’s house. My Uncle Brian had prepared a delicious array of food for a formal sit down dinner. Everyone was slowing down after stuffing ourselves with prime rib and potatoes and all sorts of other goodies when Uncle Brian asked if he could get anything for anybody. Everyone said that they were set, including my Uncle Artie, who said he couldn’t eat another bite. Dave was sitting directly across from Artie, and I saw him reach across the table with his fork as though in slow motion. I was so shocked that I couldn’t even react quickly enough to stop him. He speared a large piece of prime rib from my Uncle’s plate, and put it on his own plate, immediately cutting into it and beginning to eat.

It seemed like everyone went silent for a moment, including Artie, who just kind of watched the whole thing happen. Then, thankfully, my wonderful family all burst out laughing. “Did that really just happen?” I asked. My Uncle Brian told my Dad that he has never been more impressed with his son-in-law than he was that night. Despite everyone finding the situation to be so hilarious, I was mortifying embarrassed. More than that time my mom barked in Kmart. Various family members told me not to be so embarrassed, that it would be a great story we could tell for years! That’s what I was afraid of.

So, the moral of this post is: Watch ‘Impractical Jokers’ on Thursday nights on , however folks, don’t try this at home!

Impractical Jokers- Buffet Video

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That Age When…

if they can’t see you, you can’t see them. 

The other night Leah got up out of bed and crept (or so she thought) into the living room, covering her eyes with her hands. 

“Leah, what are you doing up and why are your eyes covered?” I asked.

“I covered them so you wouldn’t see me!” she replied. 

She is just so darn cute! I gave her extra kisses and put her back to bed. What else can you do to a kid with such a sweet little face?Image

Why My Car is So Messy

It has recently been brought to my attention (thank you, Dad!) that my car is atrocious. I had to take Leah’s car seat out today so that my step-mom could use it while babysitting for me. Underneath where her seat normally sits was a thick layer of multicolored crumbs. The floor in the back is littered with dirt, wrappers, empty cups and dirty toys. On the other back seat there are two dirty looking blankets (for Leah’s legs when it’s cold!) and a magnadoodle that has seen better days.

Moving up front you will find a half empty coffee cup in the cup holder. Dust covers the dashboard, and there are more crumbs, pebbles and dirt on the floor. On the passenger seat there is always at least one textbook and several papers. There is a little space in the door that houses used napkins until I remember to throw them out.

So, now that you are thoroughly grossed out, let me explain. I could blame it on having a three-year old, or being busy with school. I could even say its because it’s too cold out to go and clean out my car. But the real reason is that I am neat freak and have every other aspect of my life organized to a T. My house is immaculate, always. The laundry gets put away with everything in it’s designated spot, as do dishes and Leah’s toys. I vacuum and sweep almost daily. I can’t leave a dish in the sink for long, and I am constantly wiping down the counters. I have a calendar where I write everything down so that I never forget an event.

For school I keep a three subject notebook with pockets in between the subjects, for handouts. I take notes for each class always in the same section. I put everything I will need into my book bag the night before.

So, I just can’t explain why I must have one space that is not crazy neat and organized, but I just do! Have you ever seen that episode of Friends where Chandler is living with Monica and is determined what she finds out in a locked closet? He finally manages to open it, and finds it chaotically jammed with junk. Well, my car is my junk closet! Eventually I will clean it and vacuum it out. But then, it will be messy again a week later. 🙂

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The Perks of Having a Daughter

One of the perks of having a girl is that they are so easily embarrassed. That sounds kind of mean, but it’s all in good fun. Leah is a bit young, but I am already plotting some ideas, such as showing her first boyfriend her baby pictures. Of course, by the time I let her date she will be thirty-five, so it may not have quite the desired effect. 

I will never forget the first time that my mom truly embarrassed me in public. I think we were in Kmart or one of those other department stores. We were shopping for clothes, and apparently I was taking too long. So, what did my mom do? She started barking like a dog! I couldn’t put down whatever I was looking at fast enough! At the time I was mortified, but looking back it is now one of my favorite memories. It also may explain why I need so much therapy (just kidding, mom!)

Later on in high school when I started dating Dave, my mom and step-dad would hide small objects in his shoes. Of course, what they didn’t know (or kind of did, but didn’t really want to know) was that while they were having their fun with his sneakers, we were making out down in the basement. Parents-0, Me-1. 

My friends all knew my mom since she was (and still is) a teacher at my high school. They all thought she was pretty cool, and there wasn’t much she could do in front of them that would actually embarrass me, so she mainly saved it all up for shopping trips. 

It hasn’t stopped now that I am an adult either. She loves telling the story of when she took me shopping at the maternity store and the saleslady told her that she looked too young to be a grandma. 

“Oh, thanks.” she replied. “Of course, my daughter is only twelve!”

I was in the fitting room, but I am pretty sure people out in the main mall heard me go “MOM!”

So, there you have it. Some of my funniest memories are of my mom trying to embarrass me. Even though I was a teenager, it taught me from a young age the art of being able to laugh at myself and not take myself too seriously. That is a skill that I carry with me to this day, and I can’t wait to instill it into my own child. 

Dirty Little Secret

dmI am going to let you guys, my readers, in on a little secret. Here it is: I am addicted to the show ‘Dance Moms’ on the Lifetime network. For those of you who don’t know what I am talking about it, the show is a “reality” show based around a dance studio run by Abby Lee Miller, and her competition team, made up of seven girls who range from around the ages of 7 to 14. Abby is an incredibly talented teacher and choreographer, but her methods are somewhat unorthodox. Each episode begins with her doing the weeks pyramid, where she reveals which girl is at the top based on how she performed the week before. She is not shy about her favoritism of certain students, but even her favorites don’t escape her high expectations and somewhat mean comments if they are not perfect.

It gets better. The show is called ‘Dance MOMS’, afterall. The show depicts their lives in such a way as to have the viewer believe that the mothers spend a huge amount of their time at the studio to the exclusion of outside jobs, spouses, and even other children who do not dance. They make costumes, and watch their girls rehearse, but mostly they just bicker, cause drama, and start fights with Abby. Each mom wants her own child to be on top (who wouldn’t right?) and they are constantly fighting with Abby if she puts their child down or if their child doesn’t get featured as a dancer. They are all supposedly “best friends”, but have all stabbed each other in the back numerous times, with the exception of the fair and square Holly.

Now you want to watch, don’t you? I don’t know why I enjoy being outraged at both the ridiculous drama between the moms and the fact that they keep coming back for more, but I do. I can’t imagine ever putting my child into a situation where she is constantly being belittled, yelled at, and compared to her best friends. I can’t imagine allowing her to miss many hours of school and going away every single weekend to compete. That being said, these girls are amazing. If I wasn’t drawn into watching the drama I would certainly be drawn into watching the little ladies perform. All evilness of the mothers and teacher aside, together they have created girls who are sweet and charming in addition to being enormously talented dancers.

So, there you have it. I am a Dance Moms addict, and I plan to continue watching the show. Oh, and Dave will deny this to his grave, but I know he is paying attention when I watch it!

Top Ten Reasons Why Being a Mommy is Awesome

 

1.) Nobody cares if you wear sweatpants all the time.

 

Seriously, if you’re a mom no one expects you to look good for at least the first ten years. You can go anywhere you want sporting no make-up, dark circles under your eyes from lack of sleep, straggly hair in a haphazard bun, sweatpants, and an old shirt with spit up on the shoulder. No one will judge you. I promise.

 

2.) You get to use crayola crayons again AND color in coloring books.

 

I know you’ve missed coloring all this time between leaving elementary school and reproducing. Now you have the perfect excuse to break out those crayolas (and c’mon, spring for the BIG box with the sharpener on the back), grab a coloring book, and go to town!

 

3.) Four words- Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.

 

Need I say more?

 

4.) You have another chance to build epic blanket forts.

 

You loved doing it as a kid. Who didn’t? Now is your chance to grab every blanket you can find, put some chairs or other furniture together and have an indoor camping trip. At my house we even make s’mores using the fireplace to toast the marshmallows.

 

5.) Legos, My Little Ponies, Barbies, Transformers…

 

No matter what your favorite toy was as a kid, chances are some version of it is still around. Presently, we are in a major Pony phase over here and I must admit that I have gotten really into collecting each pony with Leah. And combing their hair. And watching the show. I am also loving the Barbie Dolls again. You know you want to play. Get down on the floor and do it!

 

6.) Your neighbors won’t think it’s weird if they see you doing the slip n’ slide…

 

Yeah, that’s right. I am sure they won’t find it at all weird when they see you out there in a bathing suit yelling “woo-hoo!!!” before belly-flopping onto the slippery slide and realizing how much it is going to hurt tomorrow. Not that Dave or I have ever done that…

 

7.) You can re-watch all your favorite Disney movies.

 

Again, and again, and again. And if you’re anything like me you can cringe whenever they mention someone dying a horrible and painful death and wonder what the heck your parents were thinking letting you watch this stuff! And then you will reach over and grab a handful of popcorn while continuing to watch, along with your kids.

 

8.) If you ever wanted to be a human tissue, your dreams just came true.

 

That’s right, people! No college education needed! If your dream job includes constantly being covered in various forms of boogers then motherhood is for you!

 

9.) You never have to be in the bathroom alone again!

 

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I sure did used to get lonely when I was sitting on the porcelain throne doing my business. I used to just wish that someone would come in with me and stare at me while also chattering non-stop. Well, now that wish has come true. Whether I am relieving myself, brushing my teeth, or showering I am never alone!

 

10.) PTA meetings are where it’s at!

 

Or so I’ve heard. My daughter is only three, so I haven’t actually been to one of those shindigs yet, but I heard that they are the happenin’ place to be for mommies!

 

So that’s my list. I feel like I am forgetting something…Oh yeah! Being a mommy is also awesome because you get unconditional love, unlimited kisses, hugs and cuddles, tons of laughs along the way, and joy each and every day of your life.

I want to send a quick shout out of thanks to another blogger, Lesley Carter of Bucket List Publications, for giving me the idea for this post. I just read a post she wrote with tips for getting your blog noticed, and one of the tips was a Top List. As always, read, like, comment, subscribe, and pass it on!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Am I really a grown-up?

 

I remember a line from Gilmore Girls where Lauren Graham’s character, Lorelai, says, “You know the one thing that grown-ups don’t call themselves? Grown-ups. They say “adults”, and they pronounce it “ah-dults.”

 

Sometimes I feel like I am somewhere in between. You know, the phase where you think you’re a grown-up, but you still don’t call yourself an ah-dult.

 

I try to be an excellent mother, but you folks all know that I have no idea what I am doing there. It could take years of therapy for Leah to undo the damage I am causing. We won’t know for sure until she is eighteen… Just kidding! I am sure that Leah will be fine, because she is turning out to be such an awesome kid. However, I don’t find that I relate to many other moms. I hear the other moms conversing while Leah is in dance class, and I just can’t relate. They all work and/or go to the gym. Two things that I am hell-bent against, haha! But they talk about taking trips and doing adulty things that I just don’t do, or have any interest in doing. Even if I could afford a trip, I wouldn’t know the first thing about planning one. For real.

Second of all, I still have a constant need for my parents approval. Some people wear those WWJD bracelets, you know “What Would Jesus Do”. Well, I need I a WWMDT bracelet; “What Would Mom and Dad Think”. It’s worse because I actually have four parents and I really and truly care what each of them thinks about any decision I make. It drives Dave nuts sometimes, when I stress over something or worry that one or all of them is upset with me over something.

 

“Who cares?” He will say. “You’re an adult”

 

But I’m not, you see. I am a grown-up. One who wants her Dad to be proud of her and calls her Mommy when she’s had a bad day. And asks her Step-dad for advice, and tells her Step-mom about all her school friends. It sounds endearing, and I guess it is to a point. I love that I have a great relationship with my parents- all four of them. But at the same time, at some point I need to let go and start doing things that make me happy and making decisions that are right for me and my family, even if one of the Fab Four don’t agree with what I am doing. I need to be okay with that.

 

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There are so many things that make me feel like I am still caught somewhere between teen and woman, such as my inability to like cooking, my always having to be right when I argue with Dave and the stupid things I sometimes do (like drinking three bottles of wine and laying on the floor playing with a cat toy with my cousin. Yes, this really happened. Recently.)

I guess that is a facet of starting young? I don’t know. I feel like I need to make some changes and grow up. Some things can stay, and I do believe it’s great to be young at heart. But on the other hand, I will be twenty-one years (okay, okay twenty-four years) old in a couple of weeks. I think it’s time to be an ah-dult.