The Hungry Pregnant Lady

There once was a mommy who woke up VERY hungry, so she decided to find some breakfast. She had a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit, but she was still hungry. So, for a snack she had a bowl of soup and some chicken tenders, but she was still hungry! So she decided to have lunch. She had a ham and cheese sandwich with spicy mustard, but she was STILL hungry! The mommy then had some chex mix, a nectarine, and a mini butterfinger candy. The mommy felt better, but she was still thinking about dinner. The end!

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Whipping Out the Play-Doh!

Leah thinks that babies are made out of play-doh. I jokingly told her that one time, and although I can’t figure out how that works in her brain when she knows that there is a baby “in my belly”, she took it very seriously. Yes, parenting is at it’s best when your child pictures mommy and daddy staying up late to shape a perfect little baby out of play-doh.

Tonight, I was so tired I was at the point of silly. Dave asked me a question and the answer had something to do with sex, but Leah was around. Instead of spelling it out I just blurted, “They were, ya know, whipping out the play-doh!”

The best part is that Dave totally got what I meant! So, our new code for sex when little ears may be listening is “whipping out the play-doh”! I hope you all find me as hilarious as I find myself!

Do you have any code for adult words or topics?

Leah on Neighborly Love and Butt-Wiping

Leah and I were playing “neighbors” today. We had side by side ‘compartments’, both of which were in the living room. In the midst of our game, Leah had to go potty, and so off she went. After a couple of minutes I heard her yell, “I’m dooooone!” which is the tell-tale sign that she needs me to wipe her.

I entered the bathroom and Leah informed me, “You are supposed to say ‘Hi, Neighbor!'”

“No way!” I told her. “I would not wipe my neighbors butt. Would you?”

“No!” she answered. “I will never, ever wipe anybody’s butt.”

“Well, when you have a kid of your own someday then you will do it. And when it’s for your baby you don’t mind too much.”

“Nope!” she said. “I will never do it, not even for my kid. I will just say ‘sorry little baby. I can’t wipe you. You are gonna have to do it yourself.'”

So, either I am going to have some very independent grandchildren, or they are going to have to live with me so I can wipe their butts, too!

Leah on Embarassing Her Mommy

Yesterday Leah and I were in a very quiet waiting room while my Grandma was seeing her doctor. Leah was being such a good girl and whispering quietly if she needed to talk. Until she loudly passed some gas, that is. No one in the room reacted, save for one lady who was holding back a smile. However, Leah then loudly announced,

“Hey, mommy, I just farted!”

I heard some chuckles and throat clearing all around us.

“Yes,” I whispered. “I know.”

Leah: What am I supposed t say when I fart? (Have I mentioned this was the ONLY time in the hour we were there that she was not whispering?)

Me: You say excuse me.

Leah: Oh. Excuse me!

Me: You’re excused.

Leah: Okay. I thought I was just supposed to say, ‘I farted’!

And that is when I promptly changed the subject. Coincidentally, Leah also lowered her voice at this point. Oh, the joys of motherhood!

Riding in Cars with Grandmas

My Grandma is not your average senior citizen! She has this amazing ability to do stupid shit and then laugh her butt off at herself and tell everyone she knows about it. This has definitely been passed down to my mom, and to me, by the way.

One example is several weeks ago when she proudly shared with us the story of her first time at the YMCA. She recently joined to get some exercise and mainly to use the pool. She went swimming and did some basic techniques that her physical therapist had given to her while in the water. When she was done, she got out of the pool and promptly went into the locker room. The men’s locker room. Luckily (or maybe not, depending on how you look at it) she realized her mistake before going in too far!

Fast forward to today. I was driving Grandma to a doctor’s appointment. I knew it was going to be a fun ride when someone cut me off without even using a directional. I was biting my tongue to keep from saying any choice words in front of Leah when my Grandma said under her breath “What a douche bag!” I thought I was going to die laughing. The rest of our ride went something like this:

Me: So, have you gone back to the Y yet?

Grandma: No, but I really should. I need to get into a program or something.

Me: Yeah, you need to get into a program all right!

Grandma (laughing): I meant for exercise! I need to get more active. Plus, the more I get out, the better chance that maybe I will meet someone.

Me: Well, I hear the men’s locker room is a great place to start!

Grandma: Yeah, then I can compare them and, you know, see how they ‘measure up’!

Yeah, as I said, not your typical Grandma! But, hanging out with her is always entertaining!

Show and Tell

Normally I share adorable/funny Leah stories, but I recently remembered a really cute story about my little brother (who is not so little anymore now that he is almost 13!) I was nearly 12 myself when Zach was born and I always say that he was kind of ‘my first baby’. It was love at first sight when I met that little boy and I have always adored him.

It was particularly heart-melting when, at the age of 5, Zach asked me if he could bring me into school as his show and tell! He was in kindergarten and I was a high school senior at the time. It was towards the end of the year, so I skipped some morning classes and went to his instead.

When I walked through the door and Zach spotted me, his whole little face lit up in excitement. At the same time, he got completely shy and confused about his show and tell. He told everyone that I was in college (I figured he was close enough). I remember him in his chair beside mine in the circle, and how he seemed to be sinking into it out of shyness, and yet he would glance up at me and smile, so happy to have me there.

That is one memory that I will never forget. It made my day, and I will always treasure knowing that I am special enough to my brother that he wanted to show me off to his kindergarten class.

Parents, if your kids get to do show and tell at school, I highly suggest finding out if they can bring in a special person. It will be a blast for your child and the person who they choose will be flattered beyond belief!