Like a Phoenix

This post is difficult for me to write. I have wanted to share something with you, my readers, for a while, but it was hard when I had nothing good to say. I like my posts to at least have a happy ending, and for the longest time this event left me with nothing but bitterness, and absolutely no insight or good outcomes to share.

Back in December, a week before Christmas, I found out that I was pregnant. I was overjoyed. What an amazing Christmas gift for Dave and me, and for our families. I was walking around on cloud nine, already glowing at an early 5 weeks. Most of my family, however, does not even know about this pregnancy, because I woke up early on Christmas morning and found that I was bleeding and in a lot of pain.

My doctor was not at all reassuring, telling me that there was nothing she could do and to “try and have a nice holiday”. After hours of crying, I pulled myself together and put on a brave face for Leah. I wore a mask, trying to make a good Christmas for my family. The problem is that the mask never came back off.

For about a week, I would cry at night, after Leah was in bed so as not to upset her. And then, after Dave began helplessly telling me it was time to move on, I tried to. He didn’t understand what I was really going through, and I don’t hold it against him, but I bottled up my feelings and tried to let go. I threw away the gift bags in my closet, which held a cute pregnancy announcement that we had planned to give to our parents. I did not tell anyone who didn’t already know that I had been pregnant, and those who did know were told that I did not want to talk about it.

Life got busy and it got easier to be okay. Then, in May, I found out I was pregnant again. This time I did not feel overjoyed. I felt terrified. I felt sick. For a good ten weeks I was miserable and getting sick every day. I could barely eat or sleep. And then I started to feel better. Every once in a while I would get a little pang of excitement. Those pangs were quickly joined by other feelings. Guilt, because I didn’t feel I deserved to get excited for this baby when I could not hold onto the other baby. Fear, because what if I got too attached and then had another loss?

I didn’t understand that while a new baby can never replace one that is lost, it is okay to be happy. I had so many mixed emotions and fears that I just could not allow myself to feel truly happy or excited about this pregnancy. I didn’t even hound Dave about choosing a name, saying we could put it off until we knew the gender.

And then came the day when we did find out. A part of me hoped for a girl, falsely believing I could relive Leah all over again. Soon before the big ultrasound, however, I realized that another daughter would be her own person, and not a clone of her big sister. And at that thought, I smiled. Seeing my child’s personality emerge has been one of the biggest rewards of motherhood, and whether this child is male or female I will get to do that again. I went into the ultrasound open-minded, and was joyed beyond belief to find out the sex.

I finally felt ready to let go and be happy. I will never forget the baby that I lost, and he or she will always have a piece of my heart. But in order to live a fulfilling life and be the best mother I can be it is time to move forward, and time to be ecstatic about the children that are here with me. I have learned so much over the past few months.

I have learned that it’s okay to be sad, and that sometimes you need to allow yourself that in order to move on and be happy. I learned that tears are good, and that it’s okay for your child to see you cry. I learned that losing a child hurts, and it’s not silly to mourn no matter how early in a pregnancy it was. And I have learned that pregnancy is amazing and wondrous, all over again. As I write this, I can feel my baby kicking and stretching inside of me, and all I can feel is pure joy.

So, without further ado, I would like to end this post on a very positive note, as I introduce you to my SON, Christopher William, who will make his arrival into this world sometime around January 13, 2014. I cannot wait to meet him and to watch him grow, and to be a mommy all over again to a sweet little boy.

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